When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
