He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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