a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
