how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
