I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize