I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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