why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
