She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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