My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
