I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
