Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Found the puke drawer
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
