I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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