I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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