i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
