pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
