Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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