I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize