I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
