Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
