I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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