I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize