All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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