new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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