clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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