Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
