i love accidental penises.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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