So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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