Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
