my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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