By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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