i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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