So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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