So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Two words: blizzard sex
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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