I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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