My nipple is on Facebook.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
