He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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