i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
