my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
