she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
