ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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