and she was petting her beer can
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
