I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
