I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
