the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Dear god my vagina.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
