Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
