Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
