This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
