Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
