Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I did not marry a roomba.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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