I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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