I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
