Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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