I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
