I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
