Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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