I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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