what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
