Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
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