So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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