I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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