Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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