He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It was confusing and full of hummus
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
