I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
