ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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