Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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