look no pants
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
